Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Mmmm Pets!

So I read these two articles the other day and here are my thoughts:

1. Kind of ironic that there is no shortage of money when it’s time to buy guns to propagate genocide across Africa but not enough money for food.

2. Good on em for eating their pets. I appreciate resourceful people.

3. Eating your pets is certainly nobler than asking for a handout or letting your children starve.

4. I’d do it.

5.I really like meat. If I was starving and had no meat…watch out pets

6. It was nice to see that the SPCA realized this was a true moral dilemma. If they had interviewed the PETA people, I’m sure they would have railed against the people of Zimbabwe for eating their pets.

7. All you can eat contests are the height of gluttony and a slap in the face to the truly hungry.

8. I’d eat well if I was homeless. I wouldn’t just be warming my hands over that trash can fire. I’d be grilling up some pigeon, squirrel, stray cat, etc.

9. The duck guy should go to jail for stealing but not animal cruelty. Where do you think the phrase “wringing someone’s neck” came from? If this requires jail time, then I guess our ancestors were degenerates that should have spent their lives in jail.

10. How is living in a hotel lobby pond unsafe? It’s heated in the winter and air conditioned in the summer. You get fed every day. And you don’t ever have to worry about being eaten alive by a coyote. Watch out for hungry drunks though!

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Soft Rock Hell

While getting my hair cut the other day, I was forced to listen to the soft rock garbage playing on Magic 95. I was trapped; there was no escape. The experience nearly caused me to impale myself on the stylist's scissors. When you’re being subjected to a Lionel Ritchie song, plunging a pair of scissors into your throat seems like a viable option. Anything to stop the pain!

All these soft rock stations seem to be Magic something or another. How did magic get associated with soft rock? I'm no fan of magic but being linked to soft rock seems like pretty harsh punishment. There's nothing magic about soft sock. If there was, it would disappear.

For the same reasons no one wants sour lemonade, warm ice cream, or dull razor blades there’s no need for soft rock. Listening to soft rock is like being served a turd sandwich; a complete and disgusting disappointment. These soft rock stations really should run a disclaimer--May induce vomiting or suicidal thoughts.

Soft rock is such a huge misnomer. The stuff is atrocious and has nothing to do with rock. Rock isn't soft; that's the whole point. Rock n roll should make you lose control. The only thing soft rock will make you lose is your will to live. It takes some real cajones to think you can take something great like rock n roll and “soften” it. Like eating a veggie burger, this bastardization of rock is sickening. What gives them the right? Did they consult the King before doing this? That’s what I thought.

This blog wouldn’t be complete without thanking Matthew Knecht for saving me from a life of soft rock hell. Shamefully I must admit there was a time when I thought I liked soft rock. I blame my mother for this. Hours and hours spent in a mini van listening to soft rock can scramble your brains. That was my mental state. Luckily Matthew snapped me out of this funk by introducing me to real rock—Metallica! Once I heard Enter Sandman I knew things would never be the same for me again. I kicked that soft rock trash to the curb and never looked back.