Ben's Blog

Get Off that Phone!

2009-04-06T13:50:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting in the library right now trying to study my anatomy while some idiot girl right next to me is having a full blown conversation on her cell phone as if she's the only person in the world. What are people thinking? It's bad enough in any public place to hear someone else's conversation but it's inexcusable in the library. Nobody wants to hear about your life, or the classes you're taking, or your plans for tonight, blah, blah, blah. How can people be so oblivious and self centered?

It's not like I came to the library for some peace and quiet so I could study. No, I came just so I could hear you yakking on your phone all about your life. Argh!!!! This absolutely drives me nuts. Get a clue people! Get up and go somewhere else; I don't want to hear it! I don't care that you miss your husband. I don't care that you have a date tonight. I don't care that your classes are sooo hard. I don't care that you are toootally starving. NOBODY cares! So do us all a favor. Shut up and take it somewhere else.

Courtesy?

2009-04-03T16:53:00.002-05:00

I’m all in favor of acts of courtesy. In general they make society a better place. However, I’ve had enough of a certain “courtesy”--door holding. I’m a grown man and I don’t need strangers holding the door for me. It’s uncomfortable and a little insulting. Why are you holding the door for me? I’m not your wife.

I suppose the door holder thinks he is helping in some way; however, this act of courtesy is extremely inefficient. Invariably it leads to a log jam at the door because no one is sure if they should walk through the door or let the guy holding the door go through. There is the awkward back and forth of “you go”, “no, you go”, “no, it’s alright, you go”, etc. Then someone finally begins to go through the door but the other person starts at the same time and you’re back to square one. Or the guy holding the door just refuses to move and you’re forced to submit to his act of “courtesy”. I hate this whole interaction and propose that people just open the door for themselves, go through, and let everyone else do the same. If you want to hold the door for your wife, more power to you but if you don’t know me, stop holding the door for me. I’m perfectly capable and you’re slowing me down.

P.S.

The above statement only pertains to strangers. I’m quite fine with holding the door for my friends or family and don’t mind them doing the same.

Taco Bell Torture

2008-10-31T21:14:00.005-05:00

I have a love hate relationship with Taco Bell. I love it because I can get full off the value menu while staying under my self imposed $2 a day lunch limit. And that’s why I hate it. The value menu items are in general pretty disgusting and really mess you up. But I just can’t resist.

In Grad school I would get a Double Decker taco and a hard shell taco for under 2 bucks and it tasted pretty good. Or sometimes I would replace one of the items with a Chili Cheese burrito (The Chili Cheese burrito is not offered at all Taco Bells which is a real shame. I’ve only seen it in Indiana). I ate that meal 3 or 4 times a week because the Taco Bell was only a block from school. I figured that once I was done with Grad school and had a job I could get off the Taco Bell lunch. But while working at Dell, Taco Bell came out with a half pound Beef Combo burrito for 1.29 which was a fabulous deal and just too good to pass up. And it tasted pretty good too once you added 3 packets of Fire sauce. I would usually get this and a hard shell taco which put me a little over 2 bucks but since I was employed I justified it. Then in May of this year Taco Bell introduced a new value menu that was even cheaper…and more disgusting. I didn’t think they could get any cheaper but they managed.

Initially I was pretty excited by this new menu and was especially intrigued by the 89 cent Cheesy Double Beef burrito. I figured it would be small but it turned out to be pretty hefty and was filled with rice, beef, and a Cheese Whiz like sauce. I quickly realized that this was far and away the best value on the menu. It weighed more than the other items and was cheaper. So now I could get two Cheesy Double Beef burritos for less than 2 bucks and the combined weight would be more than the half pound Beef Combo burrito and hard shell taco I had been eating. Once I realized I could get more food for less money I was hooked and I haven’t been able to stop since. Sure I’d like to have a Triple Steak burrito or any other number of items but I just can’t do it. That 89 cent Cheesy Double Beef burrito draws me in like the Siren’s song. Every day I stand in line scanning the menu looking for a better deal and trying to convince myself that I should order something different. And yet as soon as I get to the cashier my cheap skate instincts take over and I robotically say, “I’ll have two Cheesy Double Beef burritos.” I’m powerless in the face of such a great value.

I eat this same meal every day I’m down at BYU which is four days a week. I get 4 packets of fire sauce for each burrito and then open up the burrito, add the fire sauce and mix everything together since they have a tendency to put all the beef, rice, and cheese in separate sections. Once the burrito is open it looks like someone barfed inside a tortilla. I’m always self conscious that everyone walking by in the Cougar Eat is looking at me thinking “How could someone eat that garbage.” Anyway, I don’t see this pattern changing any time soon since I won’t be gainfully employed for at least another 4 ½ years. My only hope is that Taco Bell revamps their value menu. Or maybe wherever I go to dental school won’t have a Taco Bell close enough for lunch. But I sure hope there is one close because it’s awfully nice to fill up for under 2 bucks.

Things That I Love

2008-09-19T18:39:00.010-05:00

Lest you all think I'm a negativist, I decided to create a list of things that I love. Again, they're in no particular order.

1. Hoosiers--I can watch this movie over and over and never get tired of it. The scenery is gorgeous and they got the feeling and emotion of small town Indiana basketball spot on. I'm getting giddy just writing about it.

2. Apple Dumplings--This is one of my favorite desserts and one of the best things about Fall. A warm apple dumpling in a bowl of milk is one special treat. This is one of the reasons I really didn't like Texas. There were no fresh apples which meant no apple dumplings.

3. Grilling--Everything tastes better on the grill. You could grill old sneakers and they'd probably taste good. It's impossible to get that smokey flavor any other way and it's one of the best things about Summer.

4. Seinfeld--This is the best TV show ever, sin duda. Every episode makes me laugh and is a real joy. On a more depressing note, Seinfeld first aired in July 1989 which means that college Freshman this year weren't even alive! Man I feel old.

5. Cold Cereal--As a kid I didn't get a lot of cold cereal and especially the sugary stuff so I think that's why I like it so much now. My favorites are Peanut Butter Captain Crunch and Cinnamon Toast Crunch. As a Sophomore in college cold cereal was the staple of my diet. And as a diet, it's pretty effective. I lost like 20 pounds that year.

6. A Campfire--Sitting around a campfire is one of life's finest pleasures. The smell of the smoke, the warmth, and the crackle of the fire are all intoxicating.

7. Documentaries--Yeah I know it's nerdy but I really love a good documentary. The Science channel, History channel, and Discovery channel usually have the best ones although my favorite documentary was on PBS and dealt with String Theory. It blew my mind.

8. Rhubarb Pie--I really like almost any pie but Rhubarb is my favorite. The tart deliciousness is one of Spring's special treats.

9. Uruguay--I love everything about Uruguay. The asados and chorizos are to die for. The milanesas and empanadas are wonderful. The country abounds with beautiful beaches. The weather is spectacular and the people are incredible.

10. Fall--This is my favorite season. The smell, colors, and feel of Fall are unlike any other time of the year. With Fall comes the beautiful changing leaves, cool mornings and evenings, abundant sunshine, apple cider, sweatshirts, the first snow in the mountains and so much more. I never want to live somewhere again that doesn't have Fall.

11. Peaches--I'd forgotten how good fresh peaches are after living in Texas. I've bought quite a few here in Utah though and they've been delicious. They're so sweet and juicy and make wonderful pies. God truly blessed us when he gave us peaches. In my book no fruit is as good as a peach.

12. Fishing--I'm crazy about fishing. At times it consumes me. I'm constantly dreaming about fishing vacations and all the cool places I could go. I most want to go to Mexico, Alaska, and The Boundary Waters. I'm even willing to put up with another 5 years of school so I can hopefully have more time in the future to go fishing.

13. A Hot Shower after being Cold and Wet--After a long day outdoors in a cold rain, it's the best feeling in the world.

14. Oyster Soup--On the Staller side of the family we have oyster soup every Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's definitely the best food that I eat all year. The smell and taste are so unique and it warms my soul every time. I look forward to this more than anything else.

15. College Football--I love spending my Saturdays watching college football. It's been especially great this year because I've been able to go to the BYU football games. The season is the perfect length and always leaves me wanting more. The system for determining a champion is screwed up but it does make every game ultra important which adds to the excitement.

16. Rabbit Hunting--As a kid I spent many days in the woods hunting rabbits with my grandpa and these are some of my fondest memories. I just love going out after a fresh snow and busting through thickets and jumping brushpiles. You never know when a rabbit will take off and the shooting can be a lot of fun. They taste pretty darn good too.

17. A River Runs Through It--Both the movie and the book are classics in my opinion. The themes along with the scenery are intriguing and beautiful. The book is especially good because there are some great short stories included at the end, Logging, Pimping, and my Pal Jim being my favorite.

18. My Grandma's Gravy--I don't know just how she does it but it's my favorite. She makes it from the drippings of whatever she has fried and it is so rich and delicious. I especially like it on her sweet potatoes.

19. Morels--These are wild mushrooms that can be found in many parts of the U.S. I grew up hunting for them in the woods and eating them every Spring. My uncle George is great at finding them and usually found enough to share with the whole family. We would all get together and eat fried mushrooms and stewed rhubarb. It really doesn't get much better. I lucked into some morels this year in Utah while fishing and was delighted. I hadn't eaten any for years so it was a very nice treat.

20. My Wife--She's getting ready to have twins in about a week and a half. She's been a real trooper through the whole thing and I'm amazed at how well she's handled it. I hope these two little boys are appreciative.

I'm Not an Addict (Maybe That's a Lie)

2008-09-19T18:15:00.009-05:00

Recently one of my old addictions has reared it's ugly head. No it's not drugs. It's Tetris. In college I got addicted to the point that my friend hid Tetris on his computer so I couldn't find it. I guess I was spending just a little too much time hogging his computer. Anyway, I just recently found http://www.freetetris.org/ and the addiction has returned. The attached picture is of my best game yet. Start on level 10 and see if you can beat me. But beware, you may get addicted too.

Things I Hate

2008-09-15T22:52:00.054-05:00

Now that the DAT and Organic Chemistry are finally over I can get back to doing some blogging. Lately, or maybe always, a lot of things have been bugging me so I decided to make a list of things I hate in no particular order. I'll probably update it every month or so because I'm certain I'll find more things. So here we go.

1. Chick-Fil-A--I can't stand this rotten place. I really hate everything about it. Their signature sandwich is a stinking piece of chicken with pickles. No lettuce, no cheese, no tomatoes, no onions. Just pickles. Are you kidding me? And if you want it as a combo with soggy waffle fries it's gonna cost you 5 bucks. If I wanted soggy waffle fries I'd go to the high school cafeteria. I have no idea why anyone eats at this place; I'll stick with 99 cent double cheeseburgers and 89 cent cheesy double beef burritos, thank you very much.

2. Dudes Wearing Capri Pants--WTH? I mean the first time I saw this I thought is that guy really wearing capris? What could ever possess a man to put on a pair of capris? You might as well wear a skirt and change your name to Nancy. I guess it's no surprise Ashton Kutcher is wearing them. It's pretty much what you'd expect from him. Let's just hope it doesn't become as popular as the trucker hat. And on a side note, I'm certain that everyone in Iowa where Ashton is from hates him. I know Midwestern people and they don't tolerate men in capris.

3. Myself at Age 13--I can't think of anything worse than having to be 13 all over again. What a miserable time of life. The constant worries of am I gonna get beat up, being humiliated in sports that I sucked at, awkward school dances, getting dumped on my birthday, and on and on and on. The only people who enjoy being 13 are Chinese gymnasts.

4. Stupidity--I find stupidity in all its forms insufferable. There is nothing more obnoxious than a truly stupid person except for someone pretending to be stupid, i.e. Jessica Simpson or Paris Hilton. Although with those two, I'm not sure it's an act. God gave you a brain; use it people!

5. Red Robin--This is another restaurant that I can't stand. They have gourmet in their name which is complete farce. At least they serve burgers but they don't compare to their competition at all. I can go to Outback and get an excellent fresh hamburger with a baked sweet potato and warm bread for 8 bucks or I can go to Red Robin and spend 10 bucks for a factory stamped, assembly line, previously frozen disk of meat passed off as a hamburger. And if that wasn't bad enough, they try to sell you on the idea that you're getting some kind of value because you get all the mushy steak fries you can eat. Thanks but I'll pass.

6. The University of Utah--This was a hatred that developed later in life. I didn't even know the U of U existed until I was a Freshman at BYU. But once I got to BYU, I developed a hatred for everything related to the U of U. As a kid I thought I hated Purdue. I say thought because now that I hate the U of U, I know what it means to hate another school. I disdained Purdue; I vehemently abhor all things U of U.

7. Stuff on My Fingers--Whenever I eat chips or anything with my fingers it drives me crazy to still have stuff on them. I'm constantly trying to flick it off. Cheetos are the worst offenders but I still keep eating them.

8. Uneven Fingernails--This is a fairly recent neurosis that I've developed. If my thumbnails or index finger nails aren't perfectly smooth I need a nail file right away or I go a little nutty.

9. Reading the Paper--I was reading the Daily Universe the other day and thought to myself I hate this. You have to flip between different pages just to read one article and then you have to go back to start another article and then part of the paper falls out and then you try to fold it to make it more manageable but then you can't figure out where you started from. I hate the whole experience. It's all just so cumbersome and inefficient. And it gets ink all over my fingers which goes back my #7 of things I hate.

10. Country Music--I can't stand this inane garbage. It absolutely revels in stupidity and ignorance which goes back to my number #4 of things I hate. I'm convinced that any two bit hillbilly with an ounce of musical talent could be a country singer and if they can't make it as a singer, I'm sure their 3rd grade education and vocabulary would be more than sufficient to be a country music writer.

11. Soft Rock--This subject has already been treated extensively on this blog and suffice it to say my opinions haven't changed.

12. Sean Hannity--I made the mistake of tuning in to KSL the other day and listening to Sean Hannity. In less than five minutes I was ready to reach through the radio to strangle the life out of him. I'm certain that I share some of his views but he's such a smug, arrogant, pompous ass that it literally makes me ill to hear him.

13. Waking Up When It's Dark--When it's dark out, I just feel like I should still be in bed. And I hate that feeling of shock when you turn the lights on and your body revolts and screams GO BACK TO BED!

14. Whoopi Goldberg--How can someone as talentless and obnoxious as Whoopi be on TV? It's mind boggling. At least she's an inspiration. If Whoopi can be on TV, I guess anything really is possible.

15. The Medieval Club--What in the world would possess someone to dress up and re-enact the most wretched time period in all of history. Did they conveniently forget about peasantry, garbage and human waste filling the streets, a complete lack of personal hygiene, and the Black Plague! Come to think of it, the complete lack of personal hygiene, may actually be embraced by most members of the club. Put down your fake swords and goofy outfits and do something productive. Heck, you could even do nothing and that would be better than being in the medieval club.

A School Bus Tale

2008-04-06T23:45:00.000-05:00

As a kid, I rarely caused any trouble outside of home. I was a smarty pants; my teachers liked me, and I was never really interested in deviant behavior. I got a detention in 6^th grade for not doing my homework but that was about the worst thing I did. However, the hour before and after school spent on the school bus was a completely different story. It was like the Wild West…anything went, and I was often the instigator, or at a minimum, an active participant. At school I spent most of my time with other “good” kids, but on the bus there’s no chance for separation. Everyone is thrown together in one big melting pot. There are boys, girls, elementary, middle, and high school kids, the Amish, white trash, cool kids, nerds, rednecks, brothers and sisters, Christa Schipper ( Oh yeah!), farmers, the handicapped, and a bus driver who hates her life. I’m not certain the bus driver hated her life, but considering she had to drive around the aforementioned lot twice a day, I’d say it’s a given. So it was in this environment that the worst of me came out.

They say prison is often like school for criminals. Well the bus was kind of like that. We were always scheming to come up with something to top the last thing we did. One time a kid made blow darts out of needles and a straw. You never knew when you would get shot. Even the Amish joined in and would occasionally stick someone with a hat pin. I remember tying fishing line to my alarm clock and dragging it behind the bus. That was fun for awhile but quickly lost its appeal. Once we decided to pit two elementary school boys against each other. We convinced the one boy to spit in the face of the other and then convinced the other boy that he couldn’t be disrespected like that. We knew it would lead to a fight, and sure enough, when they got off the bus, at the trailer park no less, we were treated to a show of them duking it out. Another time we convinced a kid to stand up on his seat and play the air guitar while the bus was going down the highway. The bus driver was furious. She stopped the bus, made the kid stand on her seat up front, and play the air guitar for everyone. I’m sure it was humiliating for him, but we thought it was hilarious. Also, were you aware that if you open your bus window and spit, it will fly back in through an open window two seats back? We were; it’s a marvel of bus physics that works every time. But none of this stuff compared to our biggest stunt.

Like all boys I enjoyed fire. I wasn’t a pyromaniac or anything, but fire fascinated me. It’s just part of being a boy. I was never one to play with fire, but one day in gym class a kid sprayed a puddle of his aerosol deodorant on his locker, shut the lights out, and then lit it on fire. It was a pretty cool display and there was no smoke or damage done to the locker either. My friend Derek and I were impressed, and we decided this would be cool to try on the bus. So the next day I brought the matches and Derek brought the Right Guard; we determined to start a fire on the ride home that afternoon. We waited until nearly everyone was dropped off that way there would be fewer witnesses. We huddled in a seat toward the back of the bus, sprayed a bunch of Right Guard on the floor of the bus, and lit it.

It went off without a hitch. No smoke, no damage to the bus, and completely out of sight of the bus driver. It was a nice cool controlled blue flame. We thought we were pretty cool. We were starting fires on the bus and nobody knew anything about it! It became our little trick that we did often after that day.

Then one day Derek sat next to me and said, “Dude, I’ve got some model glue at home that says ‘Highly Flammable’”. I instantly replied, “Bring it in man; let’s start it on fire.” The Right Guard was getting a little boring and it was time to try something new.

The next day Derek brought the glue; I couldn’t wait to start this stuff on fire. Instead of waiting until the bus was empty like usual, I wanted to start the fire while the bus was still loading in the parking lot. Derek acquiesced and squirted a glob of the glue on the bus floor. I pulled out my matches and lit the glue. It was highly flammable alright! But instead of a nice cool controlled blue flame it produced instant black smoke. We stomped it out immediately, but it was too late. The bus driver knew something was wrong. I quickly gave the matches to Derek to hide and braced myself for the bus driver’s wrath. She stormed to the back of the bus and demanded to know if we had started a fire. I lied. Not just a little lie either, but a big fat fib. I said, “We didn’t start a fire. That would be crazy. There’s no way we would do something so stupid.” Then some little kid pointed at me and said, “That boy has matches.” At this point I took the lie to the next level. I stood up from my seat and pulled out my pockets to show they were empty and said, “Martha, do you think I would have matches on the bus? There’s no way I would do that. That’s totally crazy. I’d be in a ton of trouble if I had matches on the bus.” At this point Martha said something about not really believing us, but since she didn’t see any evidence of a fire, she wasn’t going to do anything. As she left we threatened the little kid that knarked on us with bodily harm if he ever ratted us out like that again, but we felt confident the whole thing was behind us. We were relieved to have escaped the situation unscathed.

Unfortunately we weren’t going to get off so easy. My sister’s friend and I’m pretty sure my sister too ratted us out later. Derek and I caught wind of the fact and knew we were in some serious trouble. I mean we had started a fire on the bus and totally lied about it. This was serious. So we started to scramble and tried to think how we could squirm out of this. It seemed hopeless until one of us came up with the idea to go see the Guidance Counselor. In my middle school, the Guidance Counselor was little more than an unqualified shrink that screwed up kids boo hooed to about all their issues. We had seen other kids go cry to the Guidance Counselor about their problems and get away with stuff so we figured we’d give it a try. We decided to tell her that we were in some way mentally impaired and had started the fire as a way to express our rage and anger toward our bus driver. We figured that if she bought the story and thought we were crazy maybe we’d get away with this.

While in gym class, Derek and I told our teacher that we needed to go see the Guidance Counselor. He stared at us and said, “What in the world do you two need to go see the guidance counselor for?” We refused to tell him and just said it was personal. I’m sure he thought we were a couple of flamers or something, but he let us go.

The Guidance Counselor ushered us into her office and inquired what the matter was. At this point we spilled the beans. We told her our bus driver was mean and nasty and that we couldn’t stand her. That she singled us out and made our lives miserable. We just couldn’t take it any longer and finally our rage bubbled over and was expressed by the fire we started.

We were hoping for sympathy and compassion; instead, as soon as we finished our story, the Guidance Counselor began to take us step by step through the process of expulsion. All the way down to what the judge would say, what the court room would look like, and what would be required of us. At this point, I remember thinking, “Oh, #@*&! I’m in serious trouble.” She sent us back to our class terrified of what would come next. We thought for a moment maybe there was some kind of Guidance Counselor-Student privilege thing and that she wouldn’t tell anyone. We knew it wasn’t true, but we hoped. We spent the rest of the day just waiting for the hammer to drop. We made it to our very last class of the day and then were called to the Principal’s office. What dread!

As we walked to the office, Derek said to just deny everything, never admit to anything. That was our only hope. We were ushered into the Principal’s office and there was our bus driver, her boss, and the Principal. Derek strolled in with a popsicle in his mouth and the Principal snapped at him, “Get that popsicle out of your mouth!” Then we were told to sit down and our principal asked, “Do you boys know why you’re here?” I’d decided to let Derek do all the talking. I knew I would cave. Derek responded and said he had no idea why he was there. The Principal wasn’t too happy and began to tell us that he knew all about the fire we had started on the bus and that we were in serious trouble. Then Derek with his cocky attitude said, “What fire? I don’t know anything about any fire.” The Principal lost it at this point. He jumped up out of his chair, slammed both hands onto his desk, and shouted, “Don’t make me come across this desk and slam dunk you. If you don’t tell me about the fire right now, I’m gonna jump across this desk and take you to the mat.” I was scared, and I guess Derek was too because he responded sheepishly, “Maybe there was a little fire.” So there it was. No more denying. We were had.

At this point I was expecting to get expelled or at best suspended. Our bus driver started to yell at us about how mad she was that we lied to her. Then her boss yelled at us for endangering a bus load of kids and told us that the seats on the bus create a toxic killer smoke if they catch on fire. (If that’s true, that’s a real hazard!) Finally our Principal yelled at us about being irresponsible and reckless and how disappointed he was in us. I knew the punishment was coming any minute now. How was I going to explain this to my parents? I thought “My mother’s going to kill me!” And just as I was waiting to hear my fate, the Principal told us to get out of his office and go back to class.

What? Just leave? No expulsion? You’re not calling my mother? Not even a detention? You mean if I don’t turn in my homework I get a detention, but if I start a fire on the bus, there’s no punishment? What’s going on here? To this day, I still have no idea how I got away with this.

That was the end of my fire starting days. Even though I didn’t get punished, I was scared straight! I had stared into the abyss, and I wanted no more.

Scientific Breakthrough?

2008-03-31T22:45:00.008-05:00

Maybe human cloning has occurred?

You be the judge.

If I was a Communist Dictator….

2007-12-20T00:24:00.000-06:00

1. Britney Spears, P-Diddy, Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie, Missy Elliott, Snoop Dogg, Lil John, Lindsay Lohan and people of their ilk would be loaded onto a bus and driven off a cliff

2. The obnoxious kiosk sales people at the mall would not be allowed to accost you as you try to shop

3. Mimes and clowns would be banned—they creep me out

4. Anybody who let their dog poop in my yard would get their nose rubbed in it

5. Rachel Ray would be a mute

6. The police would work on real crimes (robbery, assault, murder, etc.) and not worry about me speeding

7. All shopping malls would be razed and sporting goods stores built in their place

8. Anyone associated with soft rock in any way would be sent to a gulag. This includes family. There can be no exceptions

9. Arrested Development would immediately be back on TV and continue in perpetuity

10. I would never register my car, get an inspection, pay my taxes, wait at the DMV or deal with government bureaucracy in any other way

More Reality TV Cry Babies!

2007-12-06T23:48:00.000-06:00

It's been awhile since I've blogged so I figured I'd whip something out. I've got a wonderful blog all written and ready to post but Jocelyn keeps telling me to not post it because it's inappropriate. Stay tuned to see who wins this struggle of wills!

Anyway, tonight I was watching Survivor with Jocelyn while taking a studying break and it happened to be the episode where the family members show up to participate in one of the challenges. Like everything with Survivor this is a predictably lame stunt that happens every season. And you can always count on the fact that these people will cry like they've just been reunited with a POW that everyone thought was dead when in fact they've only been separated 30 days! I just don't get it. Where do they find these emotional wimps? I keep in touch with my family but there have been times where a month has gone by without speaking to them and I certainly didn't break down into unintelligible sobbing when we finally talked. Every time I see this episode I think to myself, "These people would have made terrible missionaries." I'll be heading home to Indiana in a few weeks for Christmas and am really excited but don't expect any tears.

P.S.

Check out my Yahoo radio station. You'll love it.

Trick Play

2007-11-03T21:04:00.000-05:00

Adam Smith long ago postulated that each man competing against the other pursuing his own self interest would in the end serve the greater good of society and that the “invisible hand” of competition would regulate free markets creating unprecedented wealth. In general the ideas of Adam Smith are universally accepted in the Western world and today competition represents the underpinnings or our capitalistic society. It permeates everything we do and shapes the way we interact with others and perceive the world. In general I buy into Adam Smith’s ideas and am ammenable to competition. But as ususal too much of a good thing is, well you know.

From a very early age we put our kids in tee-ball, pee wee football, soccer, etc. Lessons on competition and winning are taught in these venues and often the lessons are fairly disturbing. Parents and coaches seem to take this stuff much more seriously than the kids and winning is many times the one and only object. For me this winning at all costs mentality has gone too far as evidenced by this video.

Whatever happened to winning the right way and respecting your opponent? At this age, kids should be playing to learn the fundamentals and enjoy the game. Instead they’re being taught to punk the other side with cheap tricks and to bend and distort the rules to their benefit all in the name of winning.

Winning is a lot of fun and can feel great, but doing it in this manner strips away the pleasure. And honestly, as a coach, what joy can you derive by duping a bunch of dumb little kids with a second rate trick. Are you gonna go brag to your buddies all about how you beat a bunch of kids with a lame trick play? If you’re so obsessed with winning, maybe you should pull an Andy Kaufman and start wrestling women. On second thought, there’s some tough ladies out there. Let’s make it little girls. Then you’ll always be a winner.

What a joke.

Mmmm Pets!

2007-10-10T00:31:00.000-05:00

So I read these two articles the other day and here are my thoughts:

Pets Being Slaughtered in Meat Starved Zimbabwe

'Hungry' Man Rips Off Duck's Head

1. Kind of ironic that there is no shortage of money when it’s time to buy guns to propagate genocide across Africa but not enough money for food.

2. Good on em for eating their pets. I appreciate resourceful people.

3. Eating your pets is certainly nobler than asking for a handout or letting your children starve.

4. I’d do it.

5.I really like meat. If I was starving and had no meat…watch out pets

6. It was nice to see that the SPCA realized this was a true moral dilemma. If they had interviewed the PETA people, I’m sure they would have railed against the people of Zimbabwe for eating their pets.

7. All you can eat contests are the height of gluttony and a slap in the face to the truly hungry.

8. I’d eat well if I was homeless. I wouldn’t just be warming my hands over that trash can fire. I’d be grilling up some pigeon, squirrel, stray cat, etc.

9. The duck guy should go to jail for stealing but not animal cruelty. Where do you think the phrase “wringing someone’s neck” came from? If this requires jail time, then I guess our ancestors were degenerates that should have spent their lives in jail.

10. How is living in a hotel lobby pond unsafe? It’s heated in the winter and air conditioned in the summer. You get fed every day. And you don’t ever have to worry about being eaten alive by a coyote. Watch out for hungry drunks though!

Soft Rock Hell

2007-10-03T23:57:00.000-05:00

While getting my hair cut the other day, I was forced to listen to the soft rock garbage playing on Magic 95. I was trapped; there was no escape. The experience nearly caused me to impale myself on the stylist's scissors. When you’re being subjected to a Lionel Ritchie song, plunging a pair of scissors into your throat seems like a viable option. Anything to stop the pain!

All these soft rock stations seem to be Magic something or another. How did magic get associated with soft rock? I'm no fan of magic but being linked to soft rock seems like pretty harsh punishment. There's nothing magic about soft sock. If there was, it would disappear.

For the same reasons no one wants sour lemonade, warm ice cream, or dull razor blades there’s no need for soft rock. Listening to soft rock is like being served a turd sandwich; a complete and disgusting disappointment. These soft rock stations really should run a disclaimer--May induce vomiting or suicidal thoughts.

Soft rock is such a huge misnomer. The stuff is atrocious and has nothing to do with rock. Rock isn't soft; that's the whole point. Rock n roll should make you lose control. The only thing soft rock will make you lose is your will to live. It takes some real cajones to think you can take something great like rock n roll and “soften” it. Like eating a veggie burger, this bastardization of rock is sickening. What gives them the right? Did they consult the King before doing this? That’s what I thought.

This blog wouldn’t be complete without thanking Matthew Knecht for saving me from a life of soft rock hell. Shamefully I must admit there was a time when I thought I liked soft rock. I blame my mother for this. Hours and hours spent in a mini van listening to soft rock can scramble your brains. That was my mental state. Luckily Matthew snapped me out of this funk by introducing me to real rock—Metallica! Once I heard Enter Sandman I knew things would never be the same for me again. I kicked that soft rock trash to the curb and never looked back.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOCELYN!

2007-09-14T16:15:00.000-05:00

It's time to kick that Compaq to the curb!

Travel Thoughts

2007-09-14T16:07:00.000-05:00

I’m sitting on a plane traveling back to Austin from San Jose and have a few thoughts running through my head.

1. Silicon Valley is nice but gimme a break—million dollar 1500 sq. ft. ranch homes?—it’s not that nice.

2. I like driving rental cars. It’s like being 16 all over again. You get to hammer the gas, make sharp turns, drive too fast, squeal the tires, blast the speakers and not feel bad because, hey, it’s a rental. And the Impala I had this week was about a million times faster than my gutless Civic.

3. The stale fart smell on this plane is really disgusting. There is a bathroom you know. I can’t complain too much though because I’ve been known to contribute myself.

4. I eat like a pig when I travel for work. It’s all expensed so I go overboard. On a normal day I eat soup for lunch, have dinner and then open the pantry about a hundred times after dinner looking for something else to eat but don’t really eat anything because there is no food I want in the pantry which is by design because if there was I’d eat all night.

Here’s my food log from this week’s travels:
Tuesday
Dinner I—I had a huge Amy’s Ice Cream waffle cone before getting on the plane
Dinner II—ate an overpriced meal at the hotel of soup, calamari, and tuna. None of it was very good either. Hotel food generally sucks since they know they have you trapped there. I’ve had better soup from the cafeteria at work.

Wednesday
Breakfast--Big chocolate pastry, large hot chocolate from the coffee shop below where I was working
Lunch--Pot pie and smoothie
5pm Snack--Salami, pepperoni, prosciutto, cheese, and crackers at the hotel—this was really delicious and could have sufficed for my dinner.
Dinner--20oz porterhouse at Outback with sweet potato—I felt disgusting as I walked out. I thought of my “vegan” mother in law.

Thursday
Breakfast—took it easy and just had a banana and some strawberries
Lunch—made up for breakfast and had a big hot pastrami sandwich with potato chips and Dr. Pepper—quite tasty
Dinner—Spare ribs appetizer, pan seared red snapper w/ asparagus and cous cous, and ice cream with ganache at Trader Vics in downtown San Francisco. This was a really good meal and surprisingly affordable—much better than Outback

Friday
Breakfast I—Pepsi and granola bar in my room before leaving for the airport
Breakfast II—Cinnabon with candied pecans and caramel sauce and a peach smoothie. The Cinnabon smells so damn good it’s impossible to pass up. Unless I have to pay for it of course. Then I have all kinds of self control. Just ask Jocelyn.
As you can see, if I were to do much traveling, I’d be well on my way to an early heart attack.

5. The stale fart smell is back—not good

6. The Hyatt Regency in Santa Clara is really overpriced but they do have really good meat, cheese and crackers—I could go for some more of that right now.

7. Why do the cheap hotels have free internet access and the expensive ones want you to pay for it?

8. Dell makes billions of dollars so why do I feel guilty about spending so much on travel? ( I stayed within all company guidelines) I think it’s because I have no concept of billions of dollars. If I did I probably would have spent even more!

9. Seinfeld was right. Once you’ve had 1st Class you can’t go back. I go crazy all cramped up in the tiny coach seats. I feel like the little kid in the 6th Sense when he gets locked in that attic room and freaks out. Minus the dead people of course. The Exit row is great though and luckily that’s where I’m sitting.

10. Happy Birthday Jocelyn! Now that you’re 30, I think it’s appropriate to refer to you as my old lady. What do you think?

Sucks to be Ute!

2007-09-01T13:58:00.000-05:00

Oregon State—24
Utah—7

Not only did the Pukes lose, they also had some heartbreaking injuries. It really tears me up inside. Can't you tell!

Starting running back suffered a season ending broken leg.

Starting QB went down with a separated shoulder. Not sure if it is season ending but I won't lose any sleep if it is.

Where Have You Gone Gwen Stefani

2007-08-30T22:43:00.000-05:00

Dear Gwen,
Please come back. You’re better than this. There’s no need to prostitute yourself. There’s plenty of hip hop whores as it is. I was willing to forgive your first indiscretion (it’s been hard to forget though). I pretended it never happened. But then you went and did this.

It’s like I don’t even know you anymore. What happened to my beautiful talented 1996 Gwen? You were a revelation to me. Your bright red lipstick and funky attitude made me swoon. Look at yourself now. It’s as if you’ve gone brain dead.

I’m bewildered by the new you. Imagine Gandhi becoming a terrorist, Whitney Houston laying off the crack, or Dick Cheney turning into a caring man. All preposterous scenarios. Just like this little hip hop foray of yours.

Maybe you just need to get away from it all. Get out of Hollywood and get back to the real Gwen. A little time away could do wonders. I’ve got a spare bedroom here in Texas. You’re welcome to it. My wife won’t mind. I promise. Anything to help you get back on track.

You’re too talented to throw it all away like this. I don’t want to give up on you, but I just can’t handle another misguided hip hop album. So please come back to your senses.

Desperately awaiting your reformation,

Ben

Disclaimer:
The above post is a blatant rip off of a concept often seen on the Shrff’s blog.

Tennis Shoes and Bongos

2007-08-22T22:26:00.000-05:00

Today I had to go downtown for an all day HR forum. This was your classic corporate get together highlighted by a couple of ridiculous moments.

As part of the day we had to attend a couple of seminars one of which was entitled “Organization Diagnostics”. Sounds riveting huh? As an example of diagnostics the instructor used a story about taking her horse to the vet at Texas A&M. She told us that she had more horses than sense and by the end of her story I determined she also had more money than sense. She had “rescued” the horse from the slaughterhouse and the horse wasn’t doing well. Imagine that. So she carts the thing down to Texas A&M to get a full examination of x-rays, blood work, etc. and learned from the vet that the horse had arthritis and bad hooves. As a result, she had to get an anti-inflammatory for the horse’s arthritis and here’s the kicker—special tennis shoes for the horse. Did I just hear that right? She’s got a horse that wears tennis shoes? At this point, I’m checked out because what can you learn from someone that keeps an old horse that wears tennis shoes? Rather than blowing a wad of cash on the vet, anti-inflammatories, and tennis shoes, I could have diagnosed and solved this problem much quicker and for a lot less.

The second ridiculous moment of the day happened after our classes were finished. Everyone was waiting outside the ballroom to go back in but the doors were shut and we weren’t allowed in. Suddenly the doors opened to a room full of bongo drums and a music group on stage beating away on their drums.

The following thoughts instantly flashed through my mind. WTH? This isn’t good. How can I get out of here without my boss knowing I skipped? What embarrassing things am I gonna be forced to do? Well, I realized there was no way to skip without getting caught so I was stuck.

The pony tailed twit leading this whole thing was the worst kind of obnoxious. He was like Tony Robbins on weed and was so into the whole thing it was making me sick. He was running around getting everyone to play their drums and then started talking all this new age mumbo jumbo about one beat, one rhythm, communicating through drumming, blah, blah, blah. I absolutely hate garbage like this.

There really is something to be said about having a respectable job--a job you’re proud to tell people about. Playing bongo drums with a bunch of corporate stiffs isn’t one of them. Picking up road kill, cleaning bathrooms, or flipping burgers, jobs generally ridiculed by society, are infinitely more respectable. At least you’re providing a necessary service.

Unfortunately the drumming activity, like the energizer bunny, just kept going, and going, and going. I was trying my hardest to not look totally disgusted with the whole thing but that’s a real stretch for me. I find stupidity insufferable, and for me, this was stupidity at the highest level. Finally it all came to an end and I avoided being duped into doing anything ridiculous. I can’t say the same for a lot of other people.

Victory!

2007-08-14T20:27:00.000-05:00

Last week I came across this message board post and spent a couple of hours reading about different people's reaction to the BYU win over Utah last November. I totally related to these guys, and the whole message thread made me smile. So here's how my experience went.

I was in Manila last year and didn't get to watch the game, but I got up at 4:00 am to listen on KSL. I was hoping for a crushing humiliating defeat of the Utes, and after the first quarter, that seemed like a real possibility. However, things took a turn for the worse in the 2nd and 3rd quarters, and the game got very close. I was really fretting but still had confidence in the Cougs. By the 4th quarter though when Utah scored the go ahead touchdown with 1:20 remaining, I was physically ill. Things were bleak, and it appeared we would lose to the Pukes again. I just couldn't stomach the thought of having another year ruined by losing to the infernal Utes. I witnessed BYU's heartbreaking overtime loss to Utah in Lavell Edwards Stadium the year before, and it was more than I could take. Was I going to have to endure this another year? You often hear stories about an old couple where one of them dies and then the other dies in short order for no real reason other than what seems to be a broken heart. That's the path I was headed down. My heart just couldn't take another loss.

At this point I was dumbfounded. How could we let this happen again? We were clearly the better team. We were the better team last year too. What was wrong in the Universe? I did have an inkling of hope though because Utah left us 1:20 on the clock. With so little time, the odds are really against you, but I knew BYU's offense was capable of scoring in that amount of time. Listening to that last drive my stomach was in knots as I desperately hoped for a victory. We had to convert an agonizing 4th down, but somehow we managed to march down the field and get in a position to take two shots at the end zone before time would expire. On the first play, no one was open and Beck’s pass fell incomplete. We were down to one final play. The play began with me doubled over in my chair, pulling at my hair, breathing heavily, and begging for a victory when suddenly the announcer shrieked "Caught for the touchdown! Caught for the touchdown!” I immediately slumped to the floor overcome with joy and relief shouting "Yes! Yes! Yes!” After a few moments I picked myself up and started bouncing around our little apartment unable to contain my exuberance. Hallelujah! Things were right in the Universe again, and BYU claimed their rightful spot atop the Utes.

Thoroughly kicking the crap out of a team is nice, but devastating a team by snatching a victory away in the final seconds on their home field is so much sweeter. In the end, this was the most crushing defeat of all. Go Cougs!

P.S.
If you’re a BYU fan having a bad day, watch this clip and I promise all will be well in your world again. I just watched it and tears of joy welled up in my eyes. No matter how many times I watch the clip and despite the fact I know the outcome, I can't help but throw my arms up in exuberance and shout "Touchdown! Touchdown!" I literally get giddy.

Here are some other great links:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=lKQm9-fwlO8&mode=related&search
http://youtube.com/watch?v=6ga0BGlvqJE&mode=related&search
http://youtube.com/watch?v=ioPt9D90Lx4&mode=related&search

Ice Fishing

2007-08-11T22:27:00.000-05:00

Well it's hotter than hell here in Texas with no relief in sight. Wishing for some kind of relief, I started thinking about ice fishing. Ice fishing is one of the great rewards of living in the North, and not being able to ice fish here in Texas is one of the reasons I won't be staying long. I'm really not a fan of hot weather and much prefer living in a cooler climate. Don't get me wrong. Summer is nice, but day after day of unrelenting heat is miserable. I'm always ready for summer to be over and for fall to start. And unlike most people, I anxiously await the onset of truly cold weather. I watch the weather like a hawk waiting for that first consistent stretch of single digit or sub zero lows which will put ice on the lakes. Also, ice fishing is best right after the ice forms so that makes it even more important know when the ice has formed.

I like at least 3 inches but really prefer 4 inches of ice. At first ice, I also like to let others go out first. No reason for me to be the guinea pig! Some guys will go out on 2 inches of ice; I'm not one of them. It's a cold bath if you go through. I broke through once as a little kid but only one leg went in the drink. My grandpa wasn’t too happy with me either because we had to cut our ice fishing short. In fact he made me sit there for like 15 minutes while he kept fishing. Once he realized I was freezing though, he decided to leave.

I went to Utah for Christmas this year and went ice fishing twice. I convinced my brother-in-law Kevin to fish Rockport with me, and it was a great time. The weather had gotten really warm so the edges of the ice were melted, and the ice had an inch or so of water on top of it. I'll be honest; it looked pretty scary. We managed to find a spot where the edges werent too melted and jumped onto the ice. From there it got even scarier because the ice was completely translucent. So we were gingerly shuffling our way across the ice and could see right through it. That'll really make you pucker your butt cheeks. I drilled some test holes though and found the ice to be 3 inches thick so we were good. It was still spooky though.

Ice fishing really isn't that cold of an activity if you dress right; unfortunately neither Kevin nor I were very prepared. It had been pretty warm so we didn't wear a lot of clothes. Big mistake. You should always over dress because you can take layers off, but you can't put them on. It wasn't bitterly cold; however, with no sunshine and the wind blowing, it felt pretty raw out there. As long as the wind doesn't blow, you're usually fine, but when the wind picks up, it can get nasty real quick. We were catching enough fish though to tough it out. We didn't catch a lot but were getting bites consistently enough that we stayed for a fair amount of time. You can't leave if the fish are biting no matter how cold you are! We managed to catch a few trout and some perch. I fried the perch up for Ned and me, and they were delicious.

Later in the week I went ice fishing at Strawberry with a guy (Kent) I met from a fishing message board in Utah. Sounds kinda weird, but I promise it's no big deal. Anyway, we left Salt Lake at 5:30 am and got back around 7:30 pm so it was a full day. Kent had more gear than anyone I've ever seen. He had propane heaters, collapsable ice shack, power auger, hand auger, GPS unit, tons of fishing poles, two fish finders, an underwater camera, and a bunch of other stuff I can't remember. I got the pleasure of dragging all this stuff out to our first fishing spot a half mile from the truck. The GPS said half mile so I'm not exaggerating. There was a lot of snow on the ice and the sled was dragging through the snow rather than riding on top of it which made for slow going. By the time we got to our spot, I was sweating and pretty worn out. It was worth it though because we started catching nice cutthroats right away.

After a few hours, the fishing slowed and the wind picked up making things much colder and prompting Kent to decide to move to an island about a mile away. I wasn't looking forward to dragging everything over there, but I was his guest so off we went. I would go 50 to 100 feet tops and then have to stop to catch my breath. Kent was dragging stuff too, and I seriously thought he was going to die. He could go about half as far as me and then would be doubled over heaving. I kept thinking he was gonna have a heart attack at any moment. It’s a good thing he didn’t because I wasn’t giving mouth to mouth to some guy I just met.

We finally got to our new spot and set up the ice shack. That got us out of the wind and made things much warmer. We also started catching fish right away and kept on catching fish the rest of the day. It was one of the best days of ice fishing I've ever had. The coolest thing was using the fish finder. You could see the fish on the screen as soon as they swam under your hole and you could also see your jig on the screen. By moving your jig up to the fish, you would usually get a bite. Thankfully the trek back to the truck was much easier because the wind had blown the snow off the ice which made dragging the sled much easier.

My other 3 ice fishing trips happened in February when I went home for my grandma's funeral. I wish I could have gone home under better circumstances, but it was great to see my whole family and to go ice fishing with my dad. Ice fishing with my dad is pretty low tech. No fish finders, fancy reels, or ice shacks. He’s still using the same equipment he’s had for 30 years. That’s what I love about ice fishing though. It’s cheap, simple, and provides easy access to any lake. My dad and I went ice fishing at the little gravel pit just south of North Manchester. I like this gravel pit because it brings back good memories of fishing as a kid with my dad. Any time I drive by it, I tell Jocelyn that is where I used to fish with my dad, and she usually says something like “Yeah, I know. You tell me that every time we drive by here.” I doubt that there are any big fish in the gravel pit, but Dad and I did manage to catch a nice mess of bluegill and crappie which provided for a good fish fry before I left.

I really wish I could ice fish more, but I’ll have to wait until at least the end of the year. I’ll be in Indiana for Christmas so here’s to hoping that it’s freezing cold and all the lakes are frozen.

TV

2007-08-08T20:29:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I declared to the entire world my nerdiness by blogging about Charlie Rose, but lest you think I only watch "boring" TV, I decided to blog about some of my guilty pleasure TV viewing. I'll give you just 3 for fear of revealing too much about myself.

1. Reno 911!--All I can say is it's absolutely hilarious. And quite crass. So I can't in good conscience recommend it to anyone. In general my viewing usually goes something like this. I watch for 10 minutes, and they push the envelope a couple of times. I think of changing the channel but don't because it's so funny. Then about 15-20 minutes in they completely cross the line, and I'm forced to find something else to watch. I really wish they would clean it up a little bit so I could watch it more often, but I'm probably in the minority when it comes to what their audience wants. I used to watch more often, but now I probably only watch once a month if that often. My all time favorite segment is where Lt. Dangle and Trudy are called to the library because someone pooped in the book deposit box. It's one of the funniest things I've ever seen on TV.

2. Viva La Bam--I also don't watch this show with any regularity but will occasionally tune in. In general this is a mildly funny show that is filled with incredible stupidity; however, this is the only show that has ever made me laugh so hard that I fell off the couch and completely lost control of myself. Fortunately not my bowels, but it was close. I couldn't breathe, I was crying, and I was in physical pain. And it's happened twice!
The first time was when they tricked one of the guys into taking his shirt off and hitting a piñata; however, once blindfolded, they substituted a bee hive for the piñata. The ensuing mayhem crippled me with laughter. The second time was when they dug a tunnel under the house and cut a hole into Don Vito's bedroom floor and surprised him the next day. Both of these scenarios are juvenile and ridiculous, but in the moment, it was as if they hit my natural frequency for laughter and I lost all control of myself.

3. Smallville--I'm putting Smallville in this list because I don't know a lot of other 29 year old guys that watch it. I only dabble in the other two shows listed previously, but I'm a true fanatic of Smallville. I've been watching Smallville since day one and can whole heartedly recommend it to anyone. In 2001 when Smallville started, the WB was an up and coming network. I was always afraid it would tank thus taking Smallville down with it. I constantly told the people I worked with to support the WB by watching Smallville thereby ensuring its continued existence. I don't pretend to have had any influence, but six seasons later everything seems to be fine, and Season 7 will be starting soon. (A true miracle. I never expected it to get past 3 or 4 seasons) Unfortunately, I missed all of Season 6 since I was in the Philippines so I have to rent it and get caught up. I'm waiting for Netflix or Blockbuster to stock it online so I can sign up for a free membership and then have a Season 6 marathon. If they don't stock it soon though, I’ll break down and buy it. If I had to recommend only one episode for viewing, without a doubt it would be Episode 100. So many things came to a climax; It's a real tour de force.

Quote of the Day: We need to focus on our simularities.

Charlie Rose

2007-08-07T21:37:00.000-05:00

I’ve been a fan of Charlie Rose for quite awhile. I first began watching his show after my freshman year in college. I had a job in a factory working 2nd shift which meant I would get home late and be wide awake. I would usually watch TV until 1-2 am, and Charlie Rose was one of the only good things on at that hour. I had surfed past the program a few times but never stopped to watch; however, one night Charlie had a round table of boxing analysts, including Teddy Atlas, discussing Mike Tyson. Teddy had some great stories about Mike Tyson, and I was intrigued by a PBS show that would spend an hour talking about boxing and Mike Tyson. So I decided to watch more regularly and found that I really enjoyed Charlie Rose’s style and the broad range of topics covered. On any given night his guests might include authors, Generals, politicians, directors, artists, scientists, athletes, business men, curators, political analysts, actors/actresses, etc. The show is rarely antagonistic, unlike so many of the cable news shows, yet he still manages to ask tough, intriguing, and incisive questions. Now I’ll admit, I don’t always enjoy every show. When dealing with the arts, it can be rather elitist and pretentious. But overall, I really enjoy the show and find it very informing.

For a long time I didn’t watch Charlie Rose much because it comes on so late. Unlike Jocelyn, I like to go to bed before Midnight, and even if I was up that late, Jocelyn never wanted to watch Charlie Rose because she thinks it’s boring. However, now that we have a DVR, I’ve solved both of those problems. I record Charlie Rose every night and then watch it on my own time. And if I don’t like the program, it’s easy to delete.

Charlie’s recent coverage of the Iraq war has been tremendous. Infinitely better than anything you could get from the gas bags on cable like Bill O’Reilly, Glenn Beck, Lou Dobbs, or Sean Hannity. With Charlie Rose, the show is all about the guest and not Charlie. He invites experts, asks them intelligent questions, and let’s them speak their mind. As a viewer you get a myriad of different viewpoints, and then you're allowed to come to your own conclusions. For me, this is so much better than some pompous know it all telling you exactly how to think while shouting at his guests. We need more intelligent TV shows like Charlie Rose, and I hope he keeps it up for many years to come. Check him out; at a minimum, you’ll learn something, and most likely you’ll really enjoy it.

Water Basketball

2007-08-05T16:22:00.001-05:00

Yesterday we had an Elders Quorum activity at a guy’s house in our ward that has an awesome place with a gorgeous pool and patio. We all brought food and grilled brats, chicken, burgers, and hot dogs. I had a great time, and it was a nice way to get to know the guys in the ward better. The food was delicious, and in general we all made pigs of ourselves. At least I did, but what else would you expect. The best part of the whole evening though was playing water basketball.

My freshman year at BYU I played water basketball all the time with the guys from my dorm, and it’s my favorite sporting activity. For those who don’t know the rules of water basketball, that’s understandable, because there are none! Well, I guess there are a few rules. No punching, gouging, biting, or groin shots, but that’s about it. You play in the shallow end of the pool so you aren’t treading water, and the basket should be low enough that an average guy can dunk the ball. From there it’s just a matter of getting the ball in the hole however you can with guys grabbing, pushing, and dunking you. It’s the best.

One day at BYU a group of guys we didn’t know challenged us to a game of water basketball. We established up front that there were no rules to which they agreed. These guys were really cocky and thought they were tougher than us, but they didn’t realize what no rules meant. They were bigger than us so we knew we would have to be extra physical.

This game produced one of my best BYU memories. I can still see Justin Draeger draped over the back of one of the guys with his legs wrapped around him and kicking at the guy’s groin. The dude freaked out to which Justin replied, “We said no rules.” We all agreed however that Justin had gone a bit too far and that going forward all groin shots would be illegal. I think we agreed to it for fear of retribution! From that point on it was a tough physical game, but we showed them who was tougher and regulated on their anuses.

Yesterday’s game of water basketball was just as physical as any game in college, and we all had a great time. I got major cramps in my calves though and had to sit out awhile, but after a banana and some water, I was good to go again. At one point during the game, I wrapped up two guys and cleared them out so my teammate would be open for an easy dunk. However the other team claimed that was unfair and requested a “do over”. A “do over”? What is this the Ladies League? I didn’t protest though since we’re all friends.

Today at church one lady jokingly said, “I heard you beat my husband up last night.” Jocelyn later said to me, “Why did you do that? I’m sure you went way overboard.” Maybe a little bit but not really. Everyone was very physical, and we all enjoyed it. I’d love to play water basketball more often. It’s a great workout (my aching body is evidence of that) and doesn’t even feel like exercise since it’s so fun. If you’ve never played water basketball, you really should try it. You’ll love it.

Quote of the Day has been removed because the tyrannical dictator of my life has revoked my right of Freedom of Speech.

The Perfect Steak

2007-07-31T18:21:00.000-05:00

We bought a grill a few months ago, and it’s been a lot of fun to grill. I’m convinced that everything tastes better on a grill. You could grill old shoes and they would taste good. We had asparagus on the grill the other night and even it was good. In fact, it was delicious.

The best thing though has been grilling steaks. I love a good steak, and I’m pretty anal about grilling my steaks. First, it’s an expensive piece of meat so I don’t want to ruin it. Second, there is nothing more disappointing than an overcooked steak except maybe a BYU loss to utah. Those losses sting for the entire year; whereas, overcooked steaks generally haunt me around 2-3 months. With the steaks, redemption can be found much sooner.

So here’s my method for grilling a great steak. Turn the right and left burners on high and leave the middle burner(s) off. Season the steak with olive oil, salt, and pepper. I like to keep the seasoning simple so you taste the beef not the marinade. Place the steak over the right burner on high heat for 1 ½ minutes then rotate 90 degrees and cook another 1 ½ minutes. Flip the steak over onto the left burner over high heat and cook 1 ½ minutes then rotate 90 degrees and cook another 1 ½ minutes. The rotating will give your steak a nice diamond pattern. If your steak isn't very thick, it’s likely done at this point. If the steak isn't done, move it to the middle of the grill and letthe remainder of the cooking happen over indirect heat. You will want to turn the steak every few minutes so it doesn’t over cook on one side. You can tell by touch when the steak is done or use a meat thermometer. I like 133 degrees internal temp for a nice medium rare. My meat thermometer is off by 4 degrees (I took my temperature with it to find this out) so my steaks come off at 129 degrees. If you use a meat thermometer, make sure you know how accurate it is because a few degrees are the difference between a great steak and a dry disappointment. Finally, let the steak sit a few minutes before cutting so the juices redistribute and then ENJOY.

For Father’s Day I decided to treat myself with some steak, and I picked out two huge bone in rib eyes. (See above) They were thick and perfectly marbled. My first rib eye turned out absolutely wonderful. It was a perfect medium rare, tender, juicy, and nice and beefy. Eating it was pure bliss. Coupling it with a baked sweet potato made it even better. The second rib eye that I made didn’t turn out as well. I placed too much faith in the meat thermometer and not the touch method. Technology failed me! It was still a good steak but just a little over done. It’s been eating at me ever since, but I redeemed myself last week with two perfect, medium rare, juicy New York strips. No sweet potatoes this time, but it was still a great meal.

Stupidest quote of the week: "God is so gangsta. That is what I love about him. That's why I'm not trippin."

What's the dumbest thing you've heard this week?

Would You Like a Hair with That?

2007-07-28T18:24:00.000-05:00

Last weekend Jocelyn and I had nothing to do so I decided it would be fun to go on a drive to Llano. Llano is a little town about 90 miles west of here in the Hill Country. I had driven out there a couple of months ago when I went turkey hunting and all the wildflowers were in bloom which made for a very pretty drive. Marble Falls is also on the way to Llano and has a nice little cafe with good banana cream pie so it was a plan.

I looked around online and found some restaurants in Llano and other things to do. Llano is an old town that has some historic buildings and President Bush's favorite barbecue joint. The drive was enjoyable and quite green since we've had so much rain, but Llano was pretty anti climatic. We went to a little bakery that was also a historical monument. But it was nothing special.

Next we went to a rock store. Llano has a lot of mineral deposits and granite so I thought maybe the rock store would be nice. It wasn't. A couple of old hippies were running it, and one of them talked Jocelyn's ear off. That was funny. She was telling her all about how she got stopped by the Border Patrol and the impending police state we were about to experience due to Bush's draconian national security policies.

We got out of there quickly and decided to get something to eat at the Badu House. Another historical marker. It'a an old house made of granite that has been converted into a restaurant. I really like these kinds of restaurants. It felt homey and the people were very nice. We did have a minor incident involving a hair in our food though.
We ordered smoked bacon-wrapped jalapenos stuffed with cream cheese for an appetizer. They came out and and smelled amazing. The aroma of the smoke was delicious. We both started eating, and then Jocelyn noticed a long black hair on our plate. No big deal to me, but Jocelyn wanted me to say something. I hate inconveniencing people in any way so I didn't want to say anything, but Jocelyn insisted. So I got the waitresses attention and said, "Sorry to be so picky, but there's a hair in our food which my wife doesn't really care for." The waitress was horrified and quickly took away our food promising to bring back more. Jocelyn said that I shouldn't have blamed it on her, but I didn't care if there was a hair. I ate lots of hair on my mission.

Well the waitress came back and said that the whole meal would be free. We thought that was overly generous, but she insisted. So then I was glad that I had said something! The bacon wrapped jalapenos were delicious, but some of them lit me on fire. The first one I ate was a little warm, but the second one started a fire in my mouth and down my throat. They were so tasty though that I couldn't stop eating them; however, after Jocelyn got a hot one, she quit eating them.

Jocelyn asked the waitress to bring us some cucumbers because the chef had said that cucumber works to soothe the heat. I'd never heard of that working, but I gave it a try. Not sure that it worked, but that was the first time I'd ever eaten a raw cucumber and kinda liked it. I usually eschew all raw vegetables. Maybe I'll have to try some more raw veggies, but I doubt it.

Our main courses were good too. I had chicken fried steak with great mashed potatoes and the best haricot verts (green beans for the culinary challenged folks) I've ever eaten. We decided that a free meal was too generous just because of one hair so we left a large tip. The drive home was nice too, and we stopped in Marble Falls for pie. This little trip was a nice way to waste some time on a Saturday, but I doubt that we'll ever do it again. There's good fishing and hunting around Llano so I'll probably be back, but Jocelyn wasn't too impressed with the little old country town. No big surprise there I guess.

Dog Fighting Holocaust?

2007-07-25T19:20:00.001-05:00

So if you're a sports fan or just a breathing human being, you've almost certainly heard about Michael Vick and dog fighting the past week. The media and public have worked themselves into a tizzy about this case. And you know what? I couldn't care less. Yeah, I'm probably in the minority, but until there are no more PEOPLE being raped, murdered, molested, tortured, etc., I don't have the time or energy to care about dogs. I’d much rather see my tax dollars used by law enforcement to catch criminals that have injured people not dogs.

It’s really no surprise that guys are fighting dogs. I can turn on Spike TV any day of the week and watch two guys stripped down to nothing pummeling each other inside the Octagon. And that’s accepted by society but dog fighting isn’t? Seems rather incongruous to me, and I’m not sure you can have it both ways.

Why don't we see the same level of outrage when people are murdered, women are raped, or kids are molested? These crimes happen everyday; yet, as a society, we express little outrage over them. We’re disgusted by them, but then we just move on with our lives. I’m sure that if Michael Vick committed any of the above crimes, the public and media would be outraged, and rightfully so, but I find it disconcerting that the level of outrage over dog fighting is equal to these heinous crimes against people.

I'm not advocating animal cruelty, rather, just a little perspective. They’re dogs! I once watched my dog spew a huge pile of chunky disgusting puke and then fight with my other dog over which of them would get to eat the vomit. And I’m supposed to care that Michael Vick was fighting animals dumb enough to fight over eating vomit? I don’t think so.

It's not murder as I've heard insinuated. That's an insult to all the victims of actual murder. It's certainly not a holocaust of dogs as I heard today on the radio. There was one Holocaust and referring to dog deaths as a holocaust is absurd and severely diminishes the horrific nature of the real Holocaust. Animals are vicious. They will literally eat each other alive. Stated simply, they’re animals. I wish there wasn’t any dog fighting; I really do. It’s a nasty disgusting activity in which I can't imagine ever participating. But until all the real problems in the world are solved, don’t expect me to care much.

I Need Motrin!

2007-07-24T19:49:00.000-05:00

Last night we had quite the incident at our house. Jocelyn stubbed her toe! Of course, she was sure she had broken it. I've stubbed my toe before, just like everyone else, and it definitely hurts, but it is just a stubbed toe. Well, Jocelyn isn't exactly the silent type when it comes to pain. She'll let you know she's hurt which is exactly what she did last night with her stubbed toe. The way she was wailing, I thought maybe she had lost an appendage. And when I say wailing, I mean wailing. Think middle eastern woman that just lost her son. It was something to behold.

The first words out of Jocelyn's mouth were "I broke my toe" which were immediately followed by "I NEED MOTRIN!" At this point I'm trying to be nice and consoling, but I'm laughing too hard because she's so over the top. So you're probably thinking, "Who laughs at injured people?" to which I reply, I think it's genetic. My father is also much more likely to laugh at you than console you if you've hurt yourself. I guess sympathy isn't part of the Staller genome.

So I got Jocelyn the Motrin, and then she let me know that it was all my fault that she stubbed her toe. I guess it happened while locking the door and since "I never lock the door" it was my fault. This insinuation made me laugh even more. At this point Jocelyn didn't think I was being very nice. So I helped her over to the couch and went to get her a bag of ice. By now the wailing had diminished a bit, but there was still a good amount of histrionics left in her. So I got the bag of ice and put it on her foot to which she shrieked, "It's freezing cold." Yeah, it's an ice bag. I thought she would take it off right away, but she toughed it out and left it on her foot for quite awhile.

Luckily, the ice and the Motrin seemed to do their job and the wailing finally came to an end. Unfortunately our video camera battery was dead so there is no evidence of last night's incident other than a bruised toe. You'll just have to imagine the scene, which if you know Jocelyn and me, shouldn't be too hard.

There's No Crying in Reality TV!

2007-07-23T21:14:00.000-05:00

So we watch a lot of reality TV in our house. Actually, Jocelyn watches it, and I sit here making witty, a.k.a. obnoxious comments. Yeah, I know it's not the most mature thing, but I'd go crazy if I sat here watching this garbage without making some kind of comment. I mean how can you watch So You Think You Can Dance, Big Brother, America's Got Talent, Age of Love, Pirate Master, etc. and not make comments. As an aside, if I were to end up in Hell, I'm certain it would consist of me being forced to watch So You Think You Can Dance over and over. I can think of nothing worse. I can't.

One disturbing trend that I've noticed in these shows is people are constantly crying. Why so sad? I'm anything but sympathetic and take great pleasure in ridiculing and laughing at these cry babies as they sob for all of America to see. Don't these people realize they look terrible! No one looks good crying. And those close ups of their sobbing face look hideous. The worst offender is some chick on Big Brother. She's constantly sobbing and her face looks like a boxer's that just went 10 rounds in a prize fight. Not exactly the image you want to present to America. Here's some pictures to back up my point.

Someone needs to shake this girl and tell her, "Stop it!" "Just stop it" "You look like an idiot!"

I wish all this crying would stop, but I guess psychologically unstable cry babies make for good TV. Anyway, I wish these people would buck up and stop all the crying. Until they do, I guess I'll be sitting here laughing at them.